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This is Now the 1997 to 1999 page, by Unamious vote of the Committee - Me.

For other dates Check Here

Be warned Trespassers will be shot at, hunted, maimed and tortured.....  Survivors will be prosecuted.

End of introduction .......Have you had one egg yet?

Jan 1998

Hi and All you ever needed to know about _____ but were afraid to ask.

So I went home like you do.....and I had a wonderful time. I went to midnight Mass at 10:00 pm, no I wasn't trying to be fashionably early... that's the time mass is in Kill of the grange they don't like people being to full of the Christmas spirit when they are singing carols!!! That peach snaps is a lovely thing. Government Health Warning. So I partied, ate, drank, drove in the most dangerous weather in Ireland in my lifetime (but not all at the same time) , rang in the new year in style, sung songs, wore 70's gear (70 didn't mind) Visited people, shopped, dropped and then when all else was done - well done, returned. by the way click here. So I brought back some tea and some baked beans, the looked lonely and as if they needed a Holiday. I came back to snow.. Snow didn't miss me at all. It's knowing all the time now!!!!!. (In Joke)

I should really have all those nifty animated objects running around my web page. If you look closely or even just do a fisher price you will see that even those nice 3-D buttons do NOTHING. There's allot to be said about potatoes really. you don't miss them until they're not around any more to mess up your kitchen with their skins and sit forlornly waiting to be picked from the plate in the middle of the table. I'm talking boiled potatoes in their skins here not mash or chips - You are what you eat. I'm going home tomorrow. HA HA. I never had a conversation with a potato. Why do they call a glass house a conservatory just because it's attached to your house. What does it conserve? I'm also looking forward to blackcurrant jam.

July 4th 1998 and I got the news about Uncle Basil so that was very sad. Uncle Basil among other things was Dan the Street singer, and in 1981 he was on the Late Late show with Gay Byrne, Mum and Auntie C were in the audience, and they entered the competition… Mammy Answered the Questions and Auntie C’s card was pulled out so they won an all expenses paid trip to Spain!!!!!

April 9th 1998 I made a surprise visit home to Ireland!!!!! I didn’t tell anybody and I went as far as not returning Gearoid’s phone call in case I gave myself away. , So I turned up in Shannon airport, rented a car and headed out to Caitriona’s House. Found it – YIPPEE (reference to my sense of direction – or lack thereof) So I knocked on the Door – no answer I rang, still no response, I rang the bell annoyingly – like little kids teasing you for something you’re embarrassed about again and again and again, with a little tune that makes you want to Hit something.  I heard footsteps.. angry footsteps, my sister Catriona opens the door in a none too welcoming manner – SURPRISE!!!! – and she was, and she even managed to look glad that I dragged her out of bed when she had worked the night shift the night before.  It was great, We chatted, had breakfast and then went out to lunch.  Then I took my car off to surprise the rest of my family.  150 miles later I reached Dublin, Let’s call in on Áine, this was a double whammy ‘cos Mum was there as well, I didn’t manager to disrupt their sleep though they were just chatting in the Kitchen, what a lovely sight. Next surprise stop was Gearóid, I went to his house and Lucy let me in… Walked into the kitchen and said.. “You Rang?” he said I did and you never rang me back, Niall gave me a big Hug.  So I was there for Niall’s First Holy Communion, in Irish of course, he looked suave, I met Rory there and the rest of the McAuley clan.  All in all my four day surprise trip was really worth the effort for surprise value alone.  I had a good time as well.

You may have noticed by now that I am adding stuff to the top of this document. (I interject from later to say that I stopped that practice after a year or two…)  Or you may be a total stranger in which case I'm not talking to you...every now and again it's good to follow mammy's advice. I was asked to add some pictures but if a picture paints a thousand words you'll never manage enough attention span to get past the first part of this document. I know that doesn't make sense but if you count your pennies you get smelly hands. So I went to the dentist. Far away from my mental image of purgatory... waiting for a decision : that could put you through the hell of listing to the sound of a drill , blinded by a strong light, with the feel of metal against your teeth while at the same time not being able to swallow properly OR a reprieve no less in it's nearness to heaven than the feeling you would get if you banged you head against a brick wall for ten hours and then stopped. (just before you get the headache) Yes this trip or rather set of trips were pretty remote from my expectations. I was given dark glasses to spare me from the light, a radio to disrupt the penetrating sound of the drill and fair warning of any procedure that would cause even the slightest pain. You must be really bored if all you have to do with you time is read about me going to the dentist. Too late I've finished now. I went to buy a pair of jeans that were $30 but when I walked into the shop I noticed a sign in the levis area "25% off". Where I come from that means one of the legs is too short... No seriously I thought that meant that the normal price of $30 dollars had been reduced by $7.50 to $22.50. yup I found the little calculator and added it to my office bar. It’s great when you know that anyone who reads this must be using a computer. It make me feel like I have something in common with you, But don't be getting too sentimental on me please. so anyway I decided to look at the price of these jeans. and what do you know.....they were $40 which conveniently would reduce to $30 after a 25% discount. From now on I just read the word sale to mean "We're selling...You buying???" I'm going home soon. Flying over the Atlantic. For this purpose I'm training more and using weights. I figure that my arms will have to get allot stronger if I want to fly across the Atlantic. I don't know why they say Irish eyes are smiling because we don't get that much sun and therefore don't squint as much as they would in sunnier countries. So there you go.

Ha... I've Just invaded my web page. I hope that that doesn't sound too rude. Greetings from the 19th of November 1997. What do you do if you have a few spare hours in Omaha? - Go to Kansas, Time is after flying and it is now Saturday the 22nd of November 1997... Enough of the calendar although I've noticed that that little calendar program is no longer available in later versions of Windows .

So good old Christmas Shopping... enough said about that. It's amazing the rubbish you watch when you invest in some extra cable channels. there is of course the Dubliner which affords the best of Irish times in a place that you can quite easily make a fool of yourself even if you aren't drinking!!! I'll not use the proper form for what one does because it sounds funny in my head. Actually Christmas is getting nearer and the turkeys are getting nervous. I found out that it's called " The Holidays" over here for obvious reasons. I've also been to Mexico twice since The last update of this web page. so where can you get non spicy Mexican food??? . SALUD. My attempt at a dinner party fell short of perfect... maybe I should have invested in a table and a few chairs. If you ever meet a man from Belfast and he offers to show you a trick at a "Dinner party" beware. The Joke may not kill you but the vicious rumours spread afterwards might. We finished off the peach snaps that night so yesterday I went out and found some here.... I do after all collect shot glasses and a shot glass without a shot is just a vertically challenged glass. I don't know if I have spell checker here so you will just have to bear with me. No beach mentioned. And now for a weather report. It Snowed... in the middle of October only nobody told the trees to shed their leaves early and they just cracked up or rather down on top of allot of electrical wires. I went to Phoenix.... it wasn't snowing there but it has lots of palm trees.

And Now a few words about leasing... Don't Don't Don't - Don't get me wrong I love my car in a purely platonic sort of way. Sure I bring it out now and again, and I did rent a garage especially for the winter but we both know where we stand. Well after spending 18% of the worth of the car on lease payments I find that If I wanted to buy my car now it would cost me 106% of the car's ORIGINAL value !!!. These are the lessons you learn not by reading someone's web page but by trying to talk to car dealers...."you won't get a better deal any where else"...

Retrospective March 23 1997 “What is an Interstate”. There’s no kettle here in my apartment, there is a coffee maker coffee bags and sugar, but I can’t find any milk.  I must Shop. So yesterday I arrived in America, I decided not to drive a car I didn’t know in the middle of the night on the wrong side of the road in a new country when I didn’t know where I was going, that means TODAY, I get to try it out in daylight, So I looked at my map, not much help, I decided to ask for assistance. “Can you tell me where the Super market is?” – Blank Look, “Where can I find a Shop that sells Food?” Oh there’s a Cubs Food very close by, just turn left at the top of the road, keep going ‘till the interstate – (I was lost I didn’t know what an interstate was or how I should recognize it but I knew the woman I was talking to could not conceive of a person who spoke English no knowing what an interstate was) so I thanked her an set off.  I had a Plan, I drove in ever increasing circles until I reached the aforementioned Cubs Food, where Glory to the Heavens they had… NESCAFÉ, So I bought what I needed and headed home for a nice cup of Coffee.

Cultural Interjection

This is one of my Favourite Poems

My mistress's eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lip's red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun,
If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
In some perfumes there is more delight
Than the breath with which my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know,
Music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
    And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
    As any she belied with false compare.

And it’s by Shakesphere.

Another Poem:

Summer 1997

Hi and welcome to my web site, I've been given an opportunity to show my bad spelling off to the whole world....Not that anybody else is reading this but you can't say that I didn't give you a chance. I might just take this chance to include some corny Spider webs since a pun is the lowest form of wit and if the SUN can sink low in order to attract readers why shouldn't I. A caution: you will not find sports results here and even if you do they won't be up to date not to mention having serious problems with you direction of your web search. I'm not sure if I will be able to put this into a web page but I'm going to try anyway..... A word to all my fans : You're on the wrong page. Actually that's more than one word but anyone who thinks I'm famous could conceivably have bad counting skills!!! Now I didn't say that you don't count..... only that you probably can't, and I don't mean the way people used to sing at mass. This is really a geometry lesson because every circle has an infinite number of infinitely thin lines which pass them at only one point. This is a good time to mention the Elephants. There is a story about a trip to Rathmines for a jar of coffee but that was a long time ago and everybody involved has probably forgotten by now.

The good thing about hyper text is that it does allow you to be hyper the whole point of it is to jump from one piece of information to another without a predefined sequential path. When I came to America, I was surprised with the lack of foot paths but maybe that just where I am, because Chicago had sidewalks a plenty. This computer seems very slow. I'll have to get a faster car and put it in the back and go for a spin. Speaking of E-mail my postman doesn't even ring once.....

He just leaves letters in my box. If you are someone who knows me very well but hasn't written to me in ages then now's the time to stop surfing the web in the hope of inspiration and grab a pen and write me a letter. That's the nice thing about not having a web page for business reasons, I can write anything I like. This probably doesn't sound like it does in my head... Actually is it really possible to hear things in your head? Surely if there was a noise going on inside your head it would give you a sensory overload not to mention the fact that there is no actual machinery inside your head as far as I know to allow you to make any noise. When you think of something that somebody else said do you hear your own voice or their voice?

I just went back and put in some more punctuation which probably changes the meaning of everything I wrote but I don't think that makes much difference. Sometimes I just don't think.

A cairde go leir ar son me fein agus mise but mhaith liom a ra gur cheart go mbeadh i bhfad nios mo gaeilge ar an WEB ach ta mo chuid gaeilge ag dul in olchas on uair a raibh me ar scoil agus mar sin bfhearr do dhuine eigin eile rud eigin eile a chuir ar fail. Nil aon sine fada agam ach an oiread ach bfheidir gur maith an rud e sin os rud e nach gcuirim ins an ait ceart iad ar aon nos..

There precedes a small cultural break for my fellow country people who wish to read bad Irish instead of bad English. It's a wonder that anyone ever wrote a book before they had disk storage or Spell checker. I'm not sure how much room I have on my soon to be web page but I'll keep typing and in true struggling writer fashion if I don't get enough space I'll Serialise this

October 1997


Well this weekend I'm off to show a friend from home a good time..... that is if I can find it first. The problem with driving 9 hours is that you can't.... You have to keep stopping for petrol, I suppose if you drove very slowly you might get away with nine hours without a stop but that sort or defeats the purpose. So we're going to fly and hopefully we won't have to stop for petrol. Why do commercial airplanes have life jackets and no parachutes?... Maybe the were used up on the previous flight. In cases such as this it is preferable to blame it on the weather. Golf mainly depends on the weather, Not whether you win or lose but if you play the game at all. Who do you suppose thought up golf? "Hey I think I would like to go for a long walk on my land but I don't really want to decide where to go..... I know I'll hit this very small ball with an oddly shaped stick and walk to where it lands until I lose it down some rabbit hole."

I wonder who has the job of interviewing all those chickens after they cross the road to determine their motivation? And even more who does that person go to for counselling. Are we spending government money on this? Have you noticed the number of penguins in advertising?

By this time if you are a jumper or even a sweater like they call it here you will have noticed at least one reference to Douglas Adams. Enough said about that. Remote controls are wonderful things, Now all we need is for TV stations to show commercials at different times and we can be entertained continuously. You could alternately just tell yourself silly jokes for a long time. This works best if you have a short inverse memory..... Long enough to remember punch lines but short enough to forget them before you hear them..... Maybe you could use a video recorder.....I went to look at other pages but some of them took so long to draw themselves I got impatient. I can't think of a catchy name that would make anyone stay on this page so I decided not to title it. I could of course have called it "MY PAGE" but I think that might be comparable with shouting out "mommy" in the children's wear section.

I went to bring back some cans for recycling... there was a sign up "NOW HIRING" which in itself is pretty usual but it was hanging over a box clearly labelled PUMPKINS!!!!!

Well I'm back. Does that make me a super star? or do I have to buy one in the shop? Did you miss me? Turtles George Cluney and Strawberry daiquiris are the in topics of conversation at the moment. I also got some chocolate over from Ireland but that's nearly gone now, It's amazing the more of it you eat the more it disappears!!! We were met and brought out to dinner in the old Chicago of course. It all went up hill from there or down hill if you consider drinking too much to be a bad thing? How many steps do you have to know to make some people think you can dance? ... Some are also just very easily entertained. That's what comes of having a sobriety challenged audience!!!!

And of course we went to the zoo!! There were lions there obviously. This time we found the elephants I would have thought that they were pretty hard to miss but we did the last time, maybe it was the Serial confusing our senses.

For mailing 

Retrospective note for Feb 22nd 1999, this was a Monday and I thought it would be worth mentioning in case I forgot. March 13th 1999 got a Phone call from Home saying dad was very sick and in Intensive care. My Friend Ed got me a Ticket and I went Home Sunday, and saw Dad.  Leaving him and Coming back was hard, especially with all those Brummy accents.  We got to wear all the Intensive care gear.

Today is Friday August the 20th 1999.  I know I am updating this document somewhere else so Hopefully I will merge the two somewhere. The last solar eclipse of the centuary has come and gone.  Turkey has just experienced a 7.3 earthquake and there is a satalite orbiting the earth with a load of plutonium about to fall out of orbit.  Besides that things are pretty normal.  I'm not progressing any more and I couldn't be happier, well I suppose I could but where can you find a porsche at such short notice.  We are all (Lexibridge) going to lake compounce on Sunday. Ex partiot got married on Friday the 13th of August.

More Retrospective Tuesday November 23rd 1999 L Day, Internet connections disappeared, Jobs flew out the Window then visa’s flew too, not that it had been rosy up till then but there goes any false impression of life being fair or all companies being nice and Ethical. I must mention the conversation I had which I will quote from, “You must realize, two things.  I am totally sincere and I am Promising you nothing

Friday November 26th 1999, nice day to be sick in Vermont, but it wasn’t my fault it was the scorpion and the ever so big Straw, Nice time to speak with a French accent all night as well oh yes I forgot all about the Sherry, Harveys that is

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