1. Cleanliness is next to :
a. Impossible
b. Clean in the dictionary
c. Godliness
d. be achieved on my list
e. None of the above
2. A Bird in the hand is worth :
a. 50p
b. two birds in a bush
c. getting into a fight
d. a frog on your toe
e. Half a frog in your other hand
f. No frogs
g. a lot more than you think
h. None of the above
3. Half a loaf is better than :
a. A slice of apple tart
b. I don't know - is there butter on it
c. an apple crumble in your hand
d. getting smacked across the head.
e. I know but I'm not telling you.
f. None, (of the above)
End Of Part one.
Part two.
do dum do di da do..... um um um woka (Signature tune.) And now for the next exciting episode of ...........
4. How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man.
a. 1
b. 2
c. 987
d. Who cares
e. five elephants
f. Five elephants on a Sunday
g. Any other Answer.
h. None of the above.
5. Make hay while :
a. there's a market for it
b. it's very scarce
c. you have you're old clothes on
d. straw is gone out of fashion
e. Start trek is on telly
f. telly is on the table.
g. Fred is on the move.
h. The nuns let you.
i. j NUN just above.
6. A stitch in time :
a. Is a very hard thing to do as if you think of the universe and us in it, the only difference between how the world is today, how it will be tomorrow and how it was millions of years ago is Time, Therefore if there is going to be a black hole any where in the future or there has been one in the past, wherever all these black holes are, or have been will all be black holes NOW if time was discounted, So if you were to trying stitch time the chances are you would come across one of these black holes in which case you would need an awful lot of darning thread, Not to mention the camel trying to make it's way through the eye of your needle, unless the camel had manners and let the thread through first but you would still be trying to stitch with a camel on one side of your needle which would be OK. if your thread was that kind of browny colour associated with camels and diarrhoea, mind you time would smell so bad by the time you have finished that nobody would want to use it that makes it just a bad idea.
b. saves nine
c. would look funny - (TIa stichME)
d. can mess up your day.
e. is what you get if you run too much on a full stomach
f. one of the above.
end of part two.
And there's More ............
7. Early to bed early to rise ...
a. no mon no fun.
b. Last into the grave is a dead man.
c. Who wants worms.
d. Didn't stay for the wine at Canna.
e. None of the above.
8. Eat drink and be merry.
a. Why knot.
b. Merry doesn't mind
c. Merry doesn't know
d. Merry doesn't care
e. Merry's an unfeeling son of a bachelor too.
f. Who's going to stop you (Unless you look like a bus and even then they won't try very hard)
g. Why would anyone stop you (Nobody cares about you anymore)
h. Why would anyone talk to you (Now we're really getting down to THE problem)
i. I Never got as far as I before.
j. Nobody else is going to cheer you up, everybody else has gone to bed early so they can have worms for breakfast.
k. for tomorrow we diet.
l. Not even one of the above (Spoilt for choice)
9. Every cloud has...
a. Rain
b. A potential to be modern art (mind you so has dirty dishes...(I couldn't spell laundry))
c. a symbolic meaning
d. A back door.
e. a silver lining
f. a fur coat
g. sunstroke
h. None of the above.
10. It's an ill wind....
a. Yup (Although it could have been a crowd of people saying "wop" at the same time)
b. I didn't mean to have the curry but everybody else had gone to bed early.
c. That doesn't get a watch to work.
d. That has to stay in bed all day.
e. Where accidents happen.
f. That blows down you cards just as you've finished the tenth and final storey.
11. All work and no play......
a. makes LOADS OF MONEY for the person involved
b. makes LOADS OF MONEY for the Company involved
c. makes LOADS OF MONEY for the doctor(s) involved
d. Makes no money if you're a concert pianist.
e. Is a silly way to spend Christmas, mind you You'd be all set for the January sales on St. Stephen's day except that sailing is really play.
f. The batteries have probably run out on your walkman.
g. None of the above.
12. If a picture paints a thousand words
a. The Mona Lisa has something written all over her face.
b. How many pictures does it take to write dictionary.
c. Can a statue paint a million.
d. Is that what the moving statues were doing ?
e. none of the above.
13. What do you usually have for breakfast
a. A fry
b. Serial &/or orange juice
c. tea/coffee and toast
d. coffee & croissant (you pretentious...)
e. three shredded wheat
f. none of the above
g. some of the above
h. all of the above
14. Why did the chicken cross the road
a. This space has been left blank for your own message)
b. None of the above
15. Why do penguins get all the cushy jobs in advertising.
a. Nepotism
b. chimps are ugly
c. it's the funny walk
d. its the way they tell 'em
e. good agents
f. bad pay
g. none of the above.
16. An Apple a day
a. Gets boring after a while.
b. Wouldn't keep a frog or a bird alive and God help the poor elephant !!!!!
c. Go soggy in your bag if you leave them too long.
d. Keeps granny in pay.
e. Is a funny way to spell biro
f. Can't keep the mice out.
g. None of the above.
17. Many Hands make.....
a. up Germany
b. Messy Walls
c. A big job for the Manicurist.
d. A New washing up Liquid.
e. Light/bulb/lamp/yellow Work.
f. Bad Polo's
g. None of the Above.
18. A Friend in need ....
a. is Nearly as silly looking as a stitch in Time NEa friendED.
b. Can't Pronounce MEATH properly.
c. .. deep is usually standing in quicksand.
d. Of a good wash doesn't stand too close.
e. None of the above (Just to be inconsistent)
19. Don't count your Chickens..
a. Especially if they have Three legs.
b. With your shoes on.
c. Unless they are sitting down in an orderly row with no distraction and definitely no aeroplanes flying over head or rather over chicken.
d. While someone is singing the roster song.
e. On a Monday..(Tell me why.. I Don't..)
f. Yellow (An Alternative answer for alternative People.
g. In Dunnes Stores .. They are too cold.
h. Count your Fingers.
20. Too Many chefs....
a. Yes there are
b. No there isn't
c. I don't Know.
d. Make a TV program with no penguins.
e. Spoil the Broth ( For the Conservative element).
21. How DO they get the figs into the fig rolls?
a. With Great Difficulty.
b. Without difficulty he doesn't work here any more.
c. With difficulty's Brother who is related to a penguin.
d. Reading a Penguin Book.
e. Only Smarties Have the Answer.
22. Got Milk?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Who are you calling a Cow?
d. Only on Tuesday
e. Got Cookies?
f. NO, it’s just the way I sit.
23. How would you recognise a Mad cow?
a. Still as beautiful as the day you married them…..
b. Wear red carnations
c. It’s the one standing nonchalantly beside the alligator
d. Crazy Milk
e. Very carefully
f. With a Quack
g. It’s the one buying techno .com stock
24. A leopard cannot change his?
a. Gender
b. stripes
c. Spots
d. Underwear
e. Mind – except on Tuesdays
f. With a Quack
g. Antisocial behaviour
h. None of the Above
25. All that glitters is not …
a. Diamante
b. Gary
c. Silver
d. Admissible in court
e. Suitable for children
f. Gold
g. 42
26. It's raining cats and…
a. You’re going to get wet
b. It’s 5o C
c. Elephants
d. Dogs
e. I forgot to buy the Whiskers
f. I don’t care
g. None of the above
27. When is a Door not a Door?
a. Tuesdays
b. When I don't love you any more
c. When it's a Jar
d. When It's a can
e. Never
f. Always
g. In the Hotel California